i am the woman who loves you

I saw you with sand in your hands. The grains were floating in the air and there went all your stupid hopes.

Last weekend I decided to do science experiments on myself in bars with too many people. I didn't meet anyone I had intentions of meeting. Please don't let me leave my house with out responsibilities again. Please Please Please?

Today begins a new weekend. I decided this is going to be a weekend of productivity. I have no big plans, I wont try to please anyone, I want to be completely indifferent to the world. I know that sounds sort of depressing but to be honest, lately I am really happy. I have new ways of thinking about interpersonal relationships. I swear this has nothing to do with the fact that I have watched Fatal Attraction six or seven times? Plus the bonus features. I will touch back on this subject but Fatal Attraction is one of the many reasons I will be laying low this weekend.

The English Patient is on mute and Bon Iver is on my record player. It's chilly tonight. The radiators are making sounds as the steam escapes their chambers. That sound always frightened me as a child. I pretended I was actually in an old Victorian house with ghosts. I was always imaginative. My windows are open but the blinds are down. The wind is sucking the blinds in and out. I'm twenty-four and I'm pretending I live near the ocean. Well, I do, sort of. For arguments sake I'm pretending I live on the beach. I'm wearing fleece, I'm drinking tea with honey, and writing love letters to put into bottles. Instead of love letters to the internet. Those days are behind me... for now. I am content.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving for those who live in the usa. I think we should have a universal day to give thanks. Since you know, the origins of Thanksgiving has been lost in translation anyhow. Life is so commercial and it has nothing to do with wealth or class or race. I wont get into what I am thankful for because 1)The list is long  2)I don't want to run the risk of not sounding genuine. 3) Its no ones business. I had a big Italian thanksgiving in which mashed potatoes were replaced with ravioli. Corn bread for focaccia bread. There was turkey but I don't eat turkey. 

This is the season for love songs, tea and long baths.  

Touch my thigh but don't take it higher
I can not feel but I can be touched
Burn a whole through my concrete heart

When we are together
I pretend we're not together
I hear violins in the distance

When did I become so tragic?
I can't keep you happy anymore
When did I become so frightened?
When I couldn't hold onto you any longer

When we are together
I never wanted to be together
These are truths I can not lie
This is what pulls me apart at night

Touch my breasts but don't touch my heart
This is where the trouble starts
Use up my empty heart
Use up my empty heart

I'm outside on my front steps I'm almost positive I have a fever. I think this because I'm wearing a t shirt and sweating and it's November. My grandmother tells me the sun is good for my sore throat. The sun is making me feel worse than better but the serotonin is working for my well being. I also learned marble pound cake will put hair on my chest.  Im out here with two generations of family members and countless old-wives tales.
My throat looks like gang green which makes me believe that I am not going to make out with anyone anytime soon. I'm positive of these things. A man is playing Frank Sinatra in his car while smoking a cigar. I'm listening to my mother and grandmother gossip about the neighbors. This is what the suburbs are all about.

I uploaded photos from last nights party/gang rape. I've decided that my "ray bans" do not make me look like a lady. I'm all about sequins, satin and lace these days. Self realization is the mother of ambition. Or intentions. Or life. I was being persuaded to sign up for okcupid again. Do you guys miss me there? I was going places in terms of doing work for the site.I've gotten past the withdrawals of it yet I feel like I'm betraying the purpose of this blog. I feel it's self destructive to continue down that path just for the sake of this blog and entertainment. If people want to play this out as a lifetime original movie where I'm going to turn my life around then so be it. Here's something to keep you going, I made out with someone I love Friday before Halloween and I still get emails from match.com telling me about my top matches of the day. They do go right to my trash bin since that contract is written in blood and my first born; I can't do anything to get rid of it.

I finally made it to the gym yesterday. It's so "like me" to work out when I'm on the verge of swine flu. At the risk of sounding whiny I will say; my abs hurt more than my throat and my butt hurts more than my head. I'm calling in sick tomorrow because I honestly can not see myself making it through the day at kings highway, then school and making it out alive.

I have gotten over any hope of any of my friends having money to go to Italy with me. My best friend Bee and I are meeting in Seattle instead. Then we will spend a few days in Portland Oregon because we need to get in touch with nature and documentations. She understands my need for substance in my life. Bee lives in Arizona where they do not believe in daylight savings time. I will blog about this when my head is capable of delievering correct information but until then heres a reliable source:http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=7829863.
We're usually good at keeping up with the time difference I think it's two hours now.

There's a fine line between intention and following up. The intention for the day was to go to the gym. The reality was the only following up I did was put my gym bag into my trunk. Eventually one of two things will happen; one the elephant in the room (or trunk) will get to me and I will go to the gym -or- two my mother will open my trunk see the bag think I went to the gym left my dirty clothes in my trunk for weeks and will wash them. Im spoiled. The first scenario sounds so much better for me holistically.

I would like to start my telephone interviews again. I feel it will bring a whole new dimension to my blog. I should start to interview my passed relationships. It would definitely be more humor than closure. I don't need closure with men, I'm content in repeating events over and over again. You know like Piaget said, Tertiary Circular Reactions. I'm doing the same thing over and over but each wields its own results. After talking about all these men wouldn't it be nice to put a voice and first hand accounts to the stories? Or will this completely ruin everything? After all this is about me. Also, I feel like this has been done before. Maybe by someone who works for vice?

My bedroom is freezing and I feel like I may be coming down with something. Daniel, did you give me swine flu or has too much time gone by that it would have happened already? Not to say that anything wrong happened it would be an honor to catch swine flu from you. I'm not sure how I am feeling. A strange thing happened to me today; I woke up feeling attractive and now that I am home I feel like a fat ugly person. Maybe this is guilt of not going to the gym manifesting itself into my own self perception. What ever it is, it's a totally interesting phenomenon. I can't properly pronounce the word phenomenon with out thinking about it; a lot. My ex boyfriend used to make me say it often for his own amusement.

Back to Vice, I was one of those people who participated in the Live Psychick Tarot Reading with Todd Pendu. As you all know in September I visited a psychic in coney island who told me I was evil, I dwell on past events, my body will abort children and there's a darkness in my soul from tampering with evil shit. ALSO THAT I NEED TO FIND GOD. Apparently it's not enough to collect saint paraphernalia these days; i actually have to go to church. Ever since I saw Coney Island psychic, I am convinced she put a curse on me and my life has just been going down hill. I decided to ask Todd Pendu, Viceland psychic and what did I get? Affirmation!

Question:
"library_squirrel says:

Did that other psychic put a curse on me? Because now my life is fucked up since seeing her.
xoxo"

His answer:

library_squirrel: Now I’m going to break my yes or no rule because this is kind of intriguing. I can’t answer about the psychic but I can talk to you about your present disposition, specifically feeling that there’s a curse. There is definitely some darkness. You’re dwelling on the past instead of looking at a vibrant chance to do something new for yourself. You have the capacity to change that, to start new things. It’s going to require you to literally reverse your train of thought.

This is exactly what the woman in Coney Island told me. Is it possible this person could possibly know anything about me through the internet? Most likely not. I mean it really seems doubtful. Some how some way these two psychics see eye to eye. The universe is playing games with me.

All my emails today were from people whose names are only two syllables.   

Cops have an entire avenue shut down and are making us detour. It's mid morning and halfway between school and work. The lights from the police and ambulance vehicles aren't even dramatic mainly because it's day time. I'm making a left turn that is off my route when I see a person in a black body bag in the middle of the street. I find myself wondering if the person in the bag went off their route today. Then if so, maybe something horrible will happen to me. You always hear stories of people who change one part of a daily routine and an accident happens. This is a very erroneous way of thinking but let's be honest, this shit crosses our minds once in a while. I'm human... I think.

Thinking about this dead person, having a whole avenue dedicated to them, and changing my routine; Im reminded of something. When I was a kid, my mother double parked by the pharmacy near my house and left my brother and I in the car. I had to be at least 10 and in those days it was totally fine to run out to a store and leave your kids in the car. This was an open invitation for my brother and I to fight and scream at each other in "public" but right now, thats not what the point of my story is.
On this particular day, it was summer, I witnessed a suicide. Or an attempted suicide, I never found out the outcome. But even as a small child I understood what this man had set out to accomplish. I noticed a man on the opposite side of the street pacing and talking to himself. It was obvious he was agitated because it seemed he was yelling at himself and hitting his head. It frightened me and I hoped he wouldn't come to our car and steal my brother and I while my mother was in the store. This made me angry that my mother was taking so long, which probably led to me fighting with my brother.
The man kept looking out onto the street. Then a big white delivery truck came speeding down Avenue P and the man jumped right in front of the truck. People came running from all over, my mother finally came out of the store (probably worried something happened to us and would have to live with the guilt of abandoning us in a car for 1/2 hour). I remember telling my mother what the man did and she always insisted the man was hit by the truck by accident. I was always accused of having an over active imagination as a child but I know what I saw.
So, on my way to work I thought about body bags, suicides (or attempted), and how most accidents occur within three miles of home. I'm outside of the three mile radius, I'll be okay.

~I know this sounds morbid but could what we do and say on the internet be our black boxes when we die? 

This will be quick and brief. (Like most of my relationships)
I've had the same song on repeat for the last hour. I think it's helping in my study efforts. Last minute efforts also seem to kick start my memory. I'm not even a procrastinator. Im changing my term paper to Child Suicide. The Boogeyman and Child development isn't working out so well for me. It seems much more fun than suicide but let's face it, my search for articles and research is coming up short. Let's abandon that idea.

I promise once tomorrow is over things here will pick up once again. I've been trying to write something of substance on here for days now but guilt and my social life has inhibited me from doing so. Sometimes the internet has to take a back seat to more important things.

I'll be up at five AM to try. Life is all about trying. Bukowski's gravestone reads "Dont Try". Contemplate.

It has been far too long since I've had anything constructive or interesting to say. I think in lieu of recent events there is definitely a storm brewing. It's me, I'm the storm. When I was a child, I always thought that it rained because I was feeling blue. It was almost like magic, the skies cried for me and I would watch while I would feel nothing. I blame this delusional thinking on television and movies of my youth. Everything was about magic and no matter what, good things happen in the end. Or I was the reason it was sunny outside, or rainy, if I dreamt something; it came true, if I lied about something; it came true out of punishment. I grew up basically thinking that I was the ruler of the universe and I controlled many things. I'm not quite sure I'm expressing these thought coherently because this is something so exclusive to my childhood and thoughts.
For today, the skies are crying for me because I can't cry anymore and they needed to pick up the slack. If Im miserable everyone in at least the tri-state needs to experience my misery through the weather. I always go off on tangents when I should just get to the point because as of right now, this is my only form of therapy. I think all that magical thinking has left me borderline emotionally unstable. Or maybe I am completely normal but people hide it better than I ever can. I just don't even want to discuss this because it's embarrassing to me and maybe I'll sound whiny or like a brat but I have to get it out.
I opened myself up to another man who fed me lines for my affections. Only to tell me there are no feelings there and that I might feel too strongly. It's completely absurd for this person to even come to this conclusion. Do I have to be devoid of all feelings and use men in order for them to feel anything for me? That's the impression that I get. This is why I doubt my own mental health I'm always getting kicked off my feet by men. Maybe I could offer some advice to men but I'm not sure if it's me or them anymore.

1. Don't compliment us. Keep us totally in the dark about what you think we look like or act like it makes things so much easier when you make up your minds and find; "Wow, I really dont like this girl and I dont want to continue a relationship."
2. Don't try to kiss us, hold hands with us, hug us or sleep with us if you aren't sure of your feelings. I mean come on here guys stop using us to get your limp dicks off. We have feelings we are easily upset. I don't want to spend a lifetime on my back while trusting you with my mind and emotions when you'll just turn around and say; "I have no feelings for you." I can't express how used I feel I've been used by every man I ever trusted. It's my fault I suppose for putting so much trust and faith in men. 
3. If you're really secretly a loser and you think we are better than you please don't use us for our money.
4. If you know you're a loser treat us like a princess. But dont make us feel guilty of our situation because it only makes you feel better about yourself.
Im sure there are more advice I can offer but I am currently focused on the first two. This all came about from last night's phone conversation with another failed "almost been". Which I have now called the "last straw"

& my response to all my continuing disappointments I deleted my okcupid account. I remember when people were called "stalkers" and now they tamed it down to "visitors". I remember what things were like before I went to see that psychic for bad decisions month. I was hot shit and my blog was still funny. Maybe Im sending the wrong letters to the universe. Could it be that I think too much or feel too much and I have become so overly sensitive that anything becomes the hardest blow? I can honestly say I don't want to meet anyone anymore. I just need myself and my friends and my family. I do not have the capacity to love or care for anyone. None of you ever really deserved it but I gave it to you anyway.

For the first time in my life I will truly feel nothing.   

In my previous post I made the following statement " I made a completely out of character decision today. It's going to pay off. All is well." This statement is a complete lie. My good decision did not pay off at all! I have lost all faith when it concerns love. So now I will do what I do all the time, tuck love into my back pocket until the bug creeps up my ass again. The contentment that I will never let myself down is certainly good enough for me. I should have settled on Holden Caulfield.

I know all of life's equations but I've never been good at math.
One day I'm going to be a therapist so get at me while I'm free.
I am regaining my title of Darling princess.

What October means to me;
Constant rotation of Horror movies
The reinvention of my fall wardrobe
Giving to charity.
Cider
Dead leaves
That elementary school feeling.

I interviewed for a promotion on Friday. Daniela told me about the power of positive thinking. And I taught everyone about sending off letters to the universe. I sent all my good life well balanced vibes to the universe. I hope the universe delivers.

I am moving out with Marianna. Pending the earlier statements.

My mother and I are walking in the Making Strides walk if you want to support us; give us your money.MONEY!

& since I no longer have the attention span to continue typing, I'll broadcast live.

October in its earliest stages has become the most fascinating month. I made a completely out of character decision today. It's going to pay off. All is well.

Being home depresses me sometimes more than work does. When Im at work, Im always "on". I play the role of always funny, always cheerful, always carefree Marissa. Im not saying this is an act or a farce; I am funny, cheerful and carefree. Anyway, at home it's hard for me to clear my head and not think of.... anything. I've had these issues all week. My remedy for this is shopping of course.
Purchases of this week include:
Ruby red Mac lipstick I am so satisfied about this purchase.
Vice subscription
New Aux cable
Flannels
Leggings
Jacket
More sequin shirts!
8 piece comforter set

Another week of binge shopping leaving me with a budget until I get paid on Thursday.

I'm watching a televison show where a woman is acusing her boyfriend of cheating on her. I could never understand why people get so paranoid when they are in a relationship. He wouldnt pick up his phone when she would call. Girl, get off his shit. Its not healthy and a little insane. Or he's just not that into you.

This weekend is free. I wanted to start my weekend off right because I never want to waste a great outfit on a workday or my bedroom. There are people who I need to see and there are those I want to see. They are different; perhaps ill get around to both. I think Zach Galifianakis needs to get his shit straight or at least get my number.
I'm wrestling the idea of my pajamas. Ill pretend that my dreams of being anywhere other than my room do not exist. However, taking a long warm bath with my lemongrass bath bomb, watching horror movies and eating popcorn sounds really inviting right now.

Overall, I am a happy well balanced, sweet girl.